Hats off to TMW, who has managed to keep writing an interesting and informative blog for some time now, without (yet) running out of ideas. I have never written more than once a month, and find myself wondering what else I could say.
So, I thought for today’s post I would write a bit about what’s been on my mind lately about families and money. I recently began volunteering at a women’s residence. Young, pregnant women (some as young as 13) go there when they have literally nowhere else to go. They stay in the residence for up to a year after the baby is born, then go to transition housing. These young women are sometimes so alone that no one is attending the birthing with them. Suffice to say, the baby’s daddies are (usually) long gone and other family members have abandoned or cannot otherwise help.
I spoke to a group of them recently about basic money management. I tried not to be too lecture-y, but I’m not sure my advice was very practical. For example, my #1 tip was NEVER EVER use payday loan services. TMW readers will know why: exorbitant interest rates and short terms make repayment next to impossible. However, what, exactly, these women are supposed to do for money is beyond me. Working full time in retail will barely pay rent and food, let alone daycare for the little ones when mom is working.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how the young and vulnerable families can break the cycle of poverty? Any tips – even how to shop cheaply – would be very welcome.
This experience brought me back to my law school days, where we were taught a term in family law called “feminization of poverty.” I dislike the phrase, because it implies poverty is something women alone experience, or, worse, that women or feminism have somehow annexed poverty as a political issue. Instead, feminization of poverty refers to the fact the family breakdowns (separation, divorce, absent fathers) create a huge financial imbalance between the separated spouses and, of course, most often the mother. Families that once functioned well financially are brutally affected by these breakdowns, with the mother most often bearing the heaviest burden.
The mother’s day-to-day care of the children (of whom she most likely has custody) impacts her ability to work and therefore she does not achieve what she might otherwise in a more stable situation. (You aren’t likely to get promoted if you’re the only coming in a little late, leaving a little early, and taking days off to stay home with sick kids.) She is responsible for household expenses, many of which are often “extras” which are not taken into account when support is agreed to or ordered by a court. (And that’s assuming the father pays. Many do, of course; many separated families function very well financially – but courts hear every day from mothers who are desperate because the ex has stopped making payments.) There’s more to this, of course, and it ignores the relatively few dads who find themselves in this position.
How to solve these issues? The courts are bound by their own rules and are overflowing. The young single moms at the shelter – how are they going to look after their children and finish high school? How do you make the deadbeat dads actually pay?
Now, this is a financial blog – please don’t write in railing against the family law system, or deadbeat dads, who have their own sides of the story. I want to know what you would do to, and what suggestions to have, to address family-related poverty.
I am so passionate about the health and well-being of our single moms and their precious children that I am posting my email address for anyone to contact me if you need someone to hear your voice and your test. As well, I welcome any comments and testimonies of other single mother's that have overcome this challenge because I too am still a work in progress.
NurturingBliss@Yahoo.Com
Please Take Care and Be Well : )
One other thing, please surround yourself with good and/or positive people! This is still seemingly the hardest thing for me to conquer because I come from a family of negativity and in their opinion, money is all that really matters and so being that I don't have very much of that at this time, you can imagine how they all feel about me (?)
But, in closing, I now believe that I am an amazing women of God that has been given this test in echange for a testimony! I believe in the strength and the power of my God. And please do not let the so-call success of others determine your growth and success. You are You! and when You figure out your passion and what you want to do with it You too will be a Success in Your Right. Stay Strong My Sistas : )
4) Exercise a little everyday. It can be as simple as meditation, yoga, or a walk around the neighborhood. Whatever it takes to free up a little peace of mind to get you thru that tough moment (It will pass). 5) Talk to people and if you dont have anyone to talk to then talk things out with yourself , as I do, because a lot of times just hearing our thoughts can help. 6) Find your passion. Mine is talking to and trying to find ways to help others because it helps me as well. I work in a hospital one weekend a month and it doesn't pay very much but the involvement with the patients that need and benefit from me makes me feel so good. And, it is also a great realization that everything could be worse (?)
My advice: 1) Tap into your spirituality (prayer, conversation with your God, scriptures,meditation, etc)
2) Be good to yourself and your children, we all need each other, they need us for care and support and we need them as a motivator and a visual indicator of what our natural nurturing selves and loving spirit can produce and provide outside of this world of money and greed. Talk with your children and let thm know that this is all temporary and that things will get better and that love and respect is what's most important.
3) Educate yourself, even if it's as simple as reading the newspaper or a book everyday.
This issue has been a concern and growing reality for me as a 36 yr. old single mother with twins. In 1999 I was seemingly forced to resign from my career in the banking industry because of the unreal costs of childcare. At that time, childcare would have cost me my entire salary which is absolutely crazy. So my heart goes out to any and everone in that situation and I agree with what the previous blogger (DarrylH)mentioned, multiple women/families living together for the common interests and well being of the children and their (the mother's) economical growth and welfare. My kids are 11 yrs. old now and it has been a bitter sweet, up-hill journey but progress has been made, in small incraments but it can be done.
Co-operation. TMW is correct, a single mother can never earn enough to live and care for a child and most important, improve her education. If she has no family unit, she must organize or join a social unit. Four mothers might share the duties and costs of work, rent and utilities, child care, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and equally important, school, while living relatively comfortably. Of course, there will be no time or budget for cable TV, individual phone or computer, automobile, processed food or non-essential 'wants'. Shopper must look for sales and job opportunities, and haunt thrift stores for quality used goods.
No worldly success can, or ever will compensate for failure in the home. And that failure begins in little steps, the VERY DAY that God (not necessarily religion) is tossed out with the bathwater. Read the journals and writings of the Founding Fathers (very wise and experienced men, and their supportive and loving wives). Without the love of, and respect for God in daily life, all the attorneys in the world can't legislate or create enough social programs to regulate "hope and change."
And so, as a society, we become hardened and intolerant, and continue to decline, and suffer. We are "ever learning…but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth." After we die, we will look back on our time in mortality, and chuckle at our "collective" lack of courage, and littleness of soul.
Family related poverty is NOT the issue. When societies lose moral discipline, and forget God, and rely on government, freedom is gradually traded in "bite sizes" for crushing bureaucracies. Along with it comes the severe tax burdens to sustain a government attempting to rein in the decay. Then both husband and wife are employed of necessity, just to maintain a minimum standard of living after the confiscation of so much of their earnings through these "social" taxes. Children are "preschooled," neglegted, left to the devices of their peers, and on and on. Infidelity among working adults significantly increases, further adding to broken homes and shattered dreams and loyalties…and MORE social programs. It is a near unbreakable downward spiral.