In case you missed it, I took the time to transcribe the entire second presidential debate. Here’s what happened:
Martha Raddatz: Hi I’m Martha.
Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson. And we’ll be your moderators tonight.
Martha: We’d like to remind all audience members that they’re props more than anything and should stay silent through the debate. The format of the debate will be a series of questions from members of the audience. We’ll start with a woman named Patrice Brock.
Audience Question: Thank you and good evening. The last presidential debate could have been rated as MA—mature audiences—per TV parental guidelines. Knowing that educators assign viewing the presidential debates as students’ homework, do you feel that you are modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?
Clinton: I want to do all kinds of things. I want to do good things. There’s nothing we can’t do together, you and me Patrice. I want to work with people of all ethnicities. I want to heal the country. Make it a better place. For you and for me and the entire human race. And our children. And grandchildren.
Trump: This country’s going to shit. Healthcare costs are going up. We made Iran great again. We get killed on trade—an $800 billion deficit last year. We’re gonna make great trade deals. We’re gonna bring back law and order. Did you hear about those policemen that were shot today? We need justice. I want to fix the blacks in the cities. I want to fix the Latinos, Hispanics, etc. I want to make them great again. Make America great again.
Anderson Cooper: Neither of you remotely answered the question, whatsoever. You literally both ignored Patrice. Anyway, I also don’t care about Patrice. Let’s talk about the tapes. Donald, you talked about kissing women without consent. Grabbing them by the pussy. That’s really very much definitely sexual assault. You bragged about sexually assaulting women. This is a real thing that happened. It is a thing that’s real.
Trump: Wrong. I don’t think you understand what sexual assault is. Grabbing women by the pussy is locker room talk. Assaulting women is grabbing them by the pussy. I’m sorry I grabbed women by the pussy. I never did that. And how can you say that’s worse than ISIS? ISIS is beheading thousands of people. How can you compare me to ISIS? They drown people in steel cages. I’ve never done that once. How dare you Anderson. We’ll see tomorrow what the American people have to say about you saying that ISIS isn’t a big deal. What do you think our enemies are saying when they see what’s going on here. Yes, it was locker room talk. Yes, I hate it. I have advanced strategies for ISIS. I will defeat ISIS.
Anderson: Okay, but do you assault women?
Trump: Nobody has more respect for women than I do. Nobody. Not Mister Rogers. Not Susan B. Anthony. No one. Moving on a married woman is a sign of respect, something Mister Rogers and Susan B. Anthony never did. I’m what every parent hopes their daughter marries. All women respect me.
Anderson: But like literally—do you assault women?
Trump: Only with my respect. We’re gonna build a wall. We’re gonna have borders. People are pouring into our country from the Middle East to grab American women by the pussy. We’re gonna make America safe again. We’re gonna make America great again. We’re gonna make America safe again. We’re gonna make America wealthy again. China.
Anderson: Secretary Clinton, would you like to respond?
Clinton: Reagan. Bush. Eisenhower. Did they grab women by the arm? Yes. By the hand? Probably. Around the shoulder? Sure. But by the pussy? I don’t think so. Donald Trump is a bad man. He’s an everything-ist. He’s Matt Damon in School Ties. He’s the uncle in The Long Walk Home. He’s the mean slave owner in 12 Years a Slave. He’s the main German guy in Die Hard. He’s the woman in The Grudge. He’s Bluto. He’s Jafar. He’s the Joker. He’s a white walker. He’s a death eater. He’s a zombie. He’s a ghost. I, on the other hand, want to form one of those huge circles of different colored people that stretches all the way around the Earth where everyone’s holding hands. Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Trump: 30 years. 30 years this lady’s running the country and never once have I, nor has anyone else, been part of a circle of different colored people that stretches all the way around the Earth where everyone’s holding hands. 30 years of this fucking lady and never once did she paint anything with paint, let alone the colors of the wind.
Martha: Okay but back to your locker room assault. You’ve said that this campaign has changed you—that though being a clear predator in that video at the age of 59, you’ve now become good. Is that really true?
Trump: Martha—I don’t know how much clearer I can make this. I told detailed assault stories that included specific dates, names, and body parts. That’s just classic locker room talk. Every guy talks to other guys about detailed stories of his previous assaults that include specific dates, names, and body parts. You don’t know this because you’re not there—but whenever guys are alone, they talk about their previous assaults. That doesn’t mean they assaulted anyone, obviously. Unless they’re Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is a bad fucking dude. Bill Clinton told me about when he held a Taco Bell employee down by the neck in the restaurant’s utilities closet and had intercourse with her. Bill Clinton told me about having a foursome with Chelsea’s three best friends while Chelsea was sleeping upstairs. Hillary missed it because she was busy laughing at a 12-year-old rape victim who by coincidence is sitting right over there.
Martha: Nicely done. Hillary?
Clinton: I’ll let Michelle Obama do the talking here. She said, “When someone talks about that time when your husband held a Taco Bell employee down by the neck in the restaurant’s utilities closet and had intercourse with her, you go high.” It works for Michelle, and it works for me. Also, you insulted a Muslim war hero’s parents and said a Latino judge was inherently biased and mocked a disabled reporter and said Obama was foreign.
Trump: The first three, sure. But you’re the one who said Obama was foreign. Also, Michelle Obama has openly said you’re the worst ever. Also, you cheated to beat Bernie Sanders. Also, you deleted 33,000 emails you sneaky fuck. And when I’m Führer, I’m hiring a special prosecutor to come after you.
Clinton: He’s lying about everything, it’s all on my website, and let’s just be happy that this loose cannon isn’t in charge of the law in this country.
Trump: Because you’d be in jail.
Audience: Oh dayome!
Anderson: We’d like to remind the audience to stop being a piece of shit.
Martha: But really, Hillary—what’s up with the emails you sneaky fuck.
Clinton: It was a mistake. I wrote 33,000 emails about Chelsea’s wedding and a yoga class, and I shouldn’t have deleted them. Now let’s get to the questions from the audience.
Trump: Of course—anything to divert from this question, you crooked shrew.
Clinton: Anything to divert from your campaign, you incompressible jizztrumpet.
Anderson: That’s enough. Now let’s resume this town hall farce with our second audience question.
Trump: You never ask Hillary about her emails. You never spend time with me. You don’t care about me. This is one on three.
Anderson: No it’s not. Just a little. Next question.
Audience Question: Obamacare made things more expensive, not less. How will you bring healthcare costs down?
Anderson: No Hillary’s supposed to go first here.
Clinton: No it’s fine I’d rather go second.
Trump: No it’s fine you go first.
Clinton: No you.
Trump: No you.
Clinton: No you.
Trump: No you.
Clinton: No you.
Trump: No you.
Clinton: Obamacare is good.
Trump: Obamacare is a disaster.
Anderson: Hillary, your husband Bill also said Obamacare is a disaster.
Clinton: No he didn’t.
Trump: Bernie Sanders says Hillary has bad judgment.
Anderson: Let’s move on. Audience question.
Audience Question: I’m a Muslim. How can you help me not be hatecrimed?
Trump: Being hatecrimed is a shame. But we have a problem. Which is that you’re not telling us when the other Muslims are gonna kill us. In San Bernardino, there were Muslims that killed us and you didn’t tell us about them. If you had told us about them, we could have stopped it. I don’t think you ever told us about Orlando either, or 9/11 for that matter. I know that because if you had told us about 9/11, I’m pretty sure you’d be famous, and famous people don’t go to town hall meetings.
Clinton: You are Muslim. I am Muslim. Captain Khan, who died serving this country and who Donald hates, was Muslim.
Martha: Hey Donald, remember your Muslim ban? Let’s discuss.
Trump: I love Captain Khan. I have his name tattooed on my lower back. An American hero. Who Hillary killed by starting the Iraq War, another thing I hate.
Martha: Fuckin—dude—no. Answer the question.
Trump: Who made you so mean? Was it your parents? And who made you so simultaneously nice to Hillary? Also your parents?
Martha: Does the Muslim ban still hold?
Trump: Hillary wants to merge the US with Syria into one nation. She wants to increase the number of refugees from 10,000 to 65,000.
Martha: What the fuck Hillary?
Clinton: That picture of the dead four-year-old boy on the beach with the little sneakers.
Clinton: Also, Donald literally wants to ban an entire major religion from entering the US. Can we just all reflect on that for a second? And also, he started the Iraq War, not me.
Trump: I was against the war in Iraq.
Clinton: No you weren’t.
Trump: Yes I was.
Clinton: No you weren’t.
Trump: Yes I was.
Clinton: No you weren’t.
Trump: Yes I was. Bernie Sanders says Hillary Clinton has bad judgment.
Martha: Okay new question. Hillary, you said in a secret speech that politicians need both a public and private position on certain issues. Is it okay for politicians to be two-faced?
Clinton: That was Abraham Lincoln, not me. More importantly, Trump is obsessed with Putin.
Trump: I’m not obsessed with Putin. I paid taxes. I took deductions. Hillary’s friends took deductions. Hillary is friends with rich people.
Anderson: The fuck? Okay well now that we’re here:
Audience Question: How will you ensure that wealthy Americans pay their fair share of taxes?
Trump: Well the first thing I’d do is (by the way one of the first provisions is (by the way you know I give up a lot when I run cause I change the tax code (by the way you know she could have done this years ago but she didn’t because her rich friends don’t want her to (30 fucking years, folks—30 years with this lady and nothing changes—nothing ever will change)))) get rid of carried interest.I’m also lowering taxes on the wealthy, and by the way Hillary is raising your taxes, which is a disaster. There’s no growth in this country. This country’s going to shit. China’s killing us.
Clinton: Literally all lies from this douche again. He will cut taxes for the super rich and raise them for the middle class.
Trump: Yeah she’ll close corporate loopholes—as long as they’re ones her rich friends don’t use. Also, Bernie Sanders says she has bad judgment. 30 fucking years, folks, with this lady. 30—
Clinton: 30 years my dick, Donald. I’ve done 400 legislation things in 30 years.
Martha: New question. Aleppo’s in the shit. Thoughts?
Clinton: We need to stand up to Russia and Assad and save Aleppo.
Trump: And save who in Aleppo, the rebels? They’re worse than Assad. We need to fight ISIS.
Martha: But Mr. Trump, your running mate agrees with Hillary. He even wants to use military force to stand up to Russia and Assad.
Trump: Well he’s dumb. We need to be fighting ISIS. I know more about ISIS than the generals.
Clinton: Fucking no you don’t.
Anderson: Audience question.
Audience Question: Do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people in the US?
Trump: I want to help all Americans. The black Americans. The Latino Americanos personas. The Indian chiefs. Our cities are a disaster. Our education is a disaster. Poverty is a disaster. Natural disasters are a disaster. She said basket of deplorables.
Clinton: I want to help all Americans—the deplorables and the non-deplorables. I talked to an Ethopian kid who was scared of Trump.
Anderson: But what’s up with the deplorables thing?
Clinton: I only meant that truthfully, not publicly.
Trump: She has tremendous hate in her heart. The hate in her heart is a disaster.
Anderson: So Donald, remember when you kind of woke up in the middle of the night the other night and went on a 3am tirade attacking that random woman and telling people to watch her sex tape? What was…what was the deal with that?
Trump: That slut.
Anderson: Let’s move on to the next question, from a man named Kenneth Bone.
Audience Question: I’m Kenneth Bone. I’m Kenneth Bone and I’m wearing this sweater. And this is my mustache.
Anderson: Is that…is that it?
Ken Bone: What’s your plan with energy policy?
Trump: Coal. Coal is the way of the future. China is KILLING us. China is dumping steel on us.
Clinton: China is dumping steel on your shitty face. You buy a ton of Chinese steel. Climate change is a thing. Coal is a thing. Things are things.
Martha: Okay last question, thank fucking god.
Audience Question: It sounds kind of fun and hilarious to make you two say something nice about each other. Go.
Clinton: His kids aren’t terrible people. Somehow.
Trump: The bitch can fight.
Anderson: I’d like to extend my thanks and apologies to the 790 million people who watched this. Goodnight.